July 4, 2012

Where Are My Clean Clothes?

It’s very simple, like all things parenting should be.  Parenting should be straightforward, so your kids know what to expect.  All great parenting books say this.  And I should know, because I’ve heard a lot of people say this is what the experts say in great parenting books.  Something about how this shapes their sense of stability, something yada, what?

So I put together a checklist for finding laundry at our house…  to ensure great personal stability in all its residents. 

Laundry Checklist for the question, “Where are my clean clothes?”:


1.      1. Check the drawers in your room, yes the ones in your room, the ones that have been there for the last umptity years of your life. 


2.      2. If they’re not in your drawers, check the clothes dryer.  They might be cleaned and dried. 


3.      3. If they’re not in the clothes dryer, check the couch in my bedroom.  They might be in that pile of laundry that is clean, dried, slightly wrinkled and waiting in eager anticipation of being folded and put away. 


4.      4. f they’re not on the couch in my room, take a peak in the laundry bags in the laundry room.  They might not have been washed yet.


5.      5. If they’re not in the laundry bag in the laundry room, check under your bed or in the corners of your room, right in the places I yelled about last night–to pick up and put your dirty clothes in the laundry. 


6.      6. If they’re not in the corners of your room, check the table by the front door.  They might be in a bag that a neighbor dropped off and haven’t been returned to the laundry yet, where they will be washed.  If they don’t stink, just wear them.


7.      7. If they’re not there by the front door, my dear, you are shit out of luck, shit out.  It means you have left your clothes somewhere that does not fall under my comprehensive system of laundry processing in our home, and you will have to wear your underwear today, if you can find a clean pair. 


What’s that?  You can’t find clean underwear?  You get three guesses.  Guess what’s going to happen next.