October 17, 2014

Truths of the Universe!

I’ve decided to print some truths for the week.  What an intro, eh?!  Now that you’re all settled in with a cup of coffee and a croissant or a mimosa…  get this…  and no need to write it down.  It’s on my blog.  You can come back and reference it whenever you need.


*If you put corn kernels in the dryer, they do not pop and make popcorn.  Even on normal heat, for an hour…  no popcorn.  So if your microwave dies, and your stove quits working and you don’t have a bag of already popped popcorn…  do NOT assume you can pop it in your dryer.  I now have a backup generator for the microwave.  Ask me if you want to know where to get a good deal.


*The IRS calls people to scam them.  Whoops. I am probably on some watch list for the NSA now.  (Yes, I watched the last season of “Good Wife”.  Holy hell!  Now I have to meet someone very powerful to negotiate my way out of this.)  In the meantime…

If you get a call from the “IRS” who threatens to arrest you in half an hour because of all these counts of fraud and they need you to pay, tell them to kiss your ass.  It’s actually the “Iridescent Red Sand” Company.  They are not associated with government… directly anyway.  Do not shiver in your shoes.  Practice. “Kiss my ass.”  I repeat.  It’s a scam.


*If you stare at a cock-eyed dying plant in your home for weeks and weeks, it will not straighten out on its own.  You have to actually put your hands in the dirt and straighten it, add some dirt, water it, and check on its progress for a few days.  Who fucking knew?!  This is why I am telling you.  You’re welcome.


*If you forget to take your vitamins with breakfast and remember at happy hour…  and you take a bunch of them with a glass of wine…  you feel like a drug addict.  I couldn’t decide if that was good or bad.  So I am just mentioning it in case you are wondering if you ARE a drug addict.  I think this is a pretty sound way to test if the feeling is new and exciting or just like any other day. 


*Never underestimate the power of a child’s words.  Even when they are negative, there can be something beautiful to take away.  Zoom gave me a speech yesterday about how it was gross how my huge boobs are gross when I walk.  They bounce.  That’s why he likes boys better than girls because they don’t have bouncy boobs

I cannot be more grateful for the child who tells me my boobs are huge.  I heard the rest, but I mostly focused on how my 32b zammers are huge and bounce.  I didn’t think the word bounce was in their territory…  But now I am pretty sure I notice men everywhere staring at my chest.  I feel bad for women with small tits. 


**Okay, so it’s Friday again!  That’s why I am writing to you.  I am thinking about you.  I am wondering how your week went.  I am hoping the great truths of the universe haven’t escaped you this week.  Every day is an opportunity to learn, and I will not waste this week!  Write down your own truths!  Share them with a friend…  Or post them on facebook since I am NEVER going to fix the fact you can’t post on my website. 


To life, love and the pursuit of imperfection! 

Love to you all today!