I am only confused when I don’t say what I mean.  I am only confused when I say what I don’t mean.  I am only confused when I don’t say what I mean, when I don’t ask, when I don’t allow someone to answer for themselves, when I fear the outcome, when I think I need to prove I am fine, when I think past the moment.  I am only confused when I don’t say what I think, when I don’t say the first thought.  I am only confused when I am afraid of who I am or what someone will think or if I will ruin something.  Let it all be ruined!  Amid the ashes will be me, with my torn-up shirt, bomb debris and smoke in the background, half smile on my face, unsure if it’s from relief or complete and utter agony.  Damn it all.   

I am only alive when I am not confused, when I am clear, when the smoke isn’t clearing. I am only peaceful when my thoughts and words and experiences are agreed.  I am only the best version of any life I could lead, am leading…  when I am perfectly, imperfectly me.   

I am only half alive when I am thinking and perseverating and molding the reality.  Because I used to wonder if I needed to change the perspective in order to change to positivity.  I was told, growing up, I could only control my own feelings, my own mind, my own view, to make it pretty.  

But the thing is…  if it’s too much work to find the pretty, maybe it’s shitty.  Maybe it’s just bad and ugly and hard.  And maybe that truth is the fastest way, the most direct road to being free.  Maybe peace isn’t thinking everything will be ok.  Maybe it’s knowing that I am fine no matter what the road may lead me to, around, over, under or through.   

Maybe I interpreted that all incorrectly.  And maybe, most definitely, the truth sets you free.  And what that means, is seeing things clearly, through the rose-colored glasses from the dollar store, through the smoke you may or may not be smoking, through the broken-assed mirror.  It’s all real. And it all sets you free.  And it all leads you to your reality. 

  

Cause saying you see things clearly, when you barely see.  Well, that’s the lie.  That keeps you imprisoned from your own reality.  Be free.  

With Love,

Martini Meditations

CC