February 6, 2016

How To Miss Your Children

It’s Saturday.  I have my chai tea latte.  I decided to go to the local coffee shop to stand in line for twenty minutes and by the “we’re making it” station for another ten minutes, pay $5 for the pleasure of it and go back home. 


Saturdays can be hard.  I miss my kids. They are with their dad, and I tend to get a little depressed.  Which if you’re divorced is one of the great wonders of parenting and divorce.  You miss your kids like crazy when they’re not there.  And you feel this deep depression, not like you can’t breathe, but like someone moved your cheese.  And you’ve lost your motivation to find it because you’ve decided to give up cheese.  The only reason you liked cheese was because you had children and adrenaline and narry a break in sight.

But when your kids are gone, no matter how long times moves on, you still find you lose your motivation.  No one is nagging or crying or hitting each other or leaving a mess.  No one is making you feel necessary and agitated and irritated and completely out of control of your life. 


So you start to focus on all the things that are beautiful about parenting…  the giggles, the games, the smiles, the quiet moments, the hugs, the beautiful things they accidentally spill about what a great parent you are to them, the new shoes and clothes they grow out of and things they dream of and my favorite, when I tuck them in at night. 


You see, motivation gone.  So you sit and wallow for a little.  You purpose to do something productive like clean out that closet or mow the lawn or fix that lamp in the hallway.  But there is no pressure.  It will be there tomorrow.  And sometimes you sit on the couch and blindly watch tv as some hours slip by. 


So today I purposed to make myself start the day productively!  So I dressed up, meaning all my clothes match, there is a piece of jewelry and cute shoes.  And I showered and made myself feel as yummy as possible.  And faced the world in a new way, a way that won’t allow me to be sad my kids aren’t with me today.  I headed to the coffee shop, the mighty panacea.  Or whatever.


But I worry now.  When my kids come home tomorrow, will I want them to stay?  I can’t be sure.  If I enjoy today too much, will the yelling be louder tomorrow?  Will the mess be bigger?  Will I be yelling when I had imagined me cooing sweet words all day?  Will I be overwhelmed at the list of things we now have one day to catch up on for school instead of two? 


Answer is yes.  And I hope so. 

Answer is hell yes.  Bring it on. 


With a random message from your martinis sponsor of the universe, have a coffee today.  And miss your kids with me.  Or enjoy each parenting second if they are there.  But don’t stop by this afternoon.  I may have changed into pajamas and put on a face mask…  and not the beauty kind…  one from my son’s room.  I miss him. 


Love to all,