August 26, 2013

do NOT

Just a word of advice from someone who knows better.  Take a minute.  Take a breath.  Pull up a cup of green tea.  You’re gonna need the antioxidants after our little chat this morning.  But after our talk, you WILL be a better person.  You WILL thank me, if not outright.  You will thank me silently, after the f* word.  That’s ok.  Sometimes we hate the wise, the experienced, the giving.  Yes, that’s me.  All those things.  I am reminding you in case this upsets you in any way.  It upset me.


Whatever you do, do not clean your mirrors…  upside down. 


I know.  It seems simple, but it’s not.  And you’re probably trying to figure out if I am talking about cleaning your mirrors actually on your head.  No, really.  That’s ridiculous.  Think through it a little better than that.  How would you clean your mirrors while actually being on your head.  Instead, pretend to be holding a squirt bottle and you’re cleaning your mirror right side up…  like normal people do.  Then instead of bending at the knees to get the bottom of the mirror…  you decide to bend at the waist and clean while leaning over.  And since you’re pretending to be a dork like me right now…  imagine yourself bending over quite harshly.


Then imagine seeing not your face but mine in the mirror.  If you don’t know what that looks like exactly, well, don’t worry.  What I saw didn’t look like me either. 


Okay, out with it, right?  I saw my face upside down in the mirror. 


It was all red and my eyes looked crazy as they filled up with blood.  And then I saw it.  It was too late.  I will never erase the memory.  I saw my skin collapse upon itself.  And I saw my cheeks fall into my eyes, and well, I saw my skin fold into a million tiny folds.  I looked a hundred and seventy-two years old.  I stopped and stood up.  I shook my head a bit.  It must have been a mirage.  And I had to see again.  I should have walked away, but I didn’t.  I looked again. It was true.  All the elasticity that my skin appears to have while standing up—disappeared while I hung upside down, washing the mirror. 


So don’t do it.  I know you’re going to be tempted now.  But don’t.  Be strong.  Do NOT wash the mirror upside down.  I’ve seen my body change over the years.  I know the years will take their toll.  I saw my body morph re-morph after having children.  And I know better than to do certain moves in a bikini, lest my seemingly normal stomach turn into a washboard of extra skin.  I know that my ass is an inch lower than twenty years ago.  I know my face isn’t the face of a teenager, but I just wasn’t prepared. I wasn’t prepared to have another position I had to watch out for.  But I guess I’m glad I know. 


So be strong.  Look at your beautiful face, right side up.  See the way gravity holds it on your skeletal frame of a face.  Love it, live it, adore it.  And if by some chance, you find a better view of yourself upside down.  Do NOT tell me.  I will hate you eternally.  That’s all.  Have a really fabulous day.  Ah yes, that was insincere.  But that’s life.  You find things change when you see a different version of yourself.  And this, this is the new me. Right side-up please!