How do you even know which way is up when you’ve been raised looking sideways? And the freedom of being able to see sideways masks the discomfort of not knowing which way is up?
Freedom and pain, fear and bravery are sometimes interwoven into the fabric of the same jersey, donned for life as we know it.
Learning about myself has taught me that until we feel something isn’t right, because we have sought out the idea that our lives might not be turning out the way we think we deserve, for a reason of our own participation, well, we might not ever know if we don’t ask.
It implies most of us are walking about, living lives that could be better, with less self-awareness than we deserve, with lower quality than our deserving and seeking would gift us.
So, despite the way this sounds, or because of the way this seeks you out, know that trying or seeking or asking what else you can learn is never, ever, ever a loss for your future self.
Today might suck, tomorrow might be better, but the price of moving towards a better you, with guidance and community and help, well, the only true price is not doing it.
I implore myself and you and us and humankind, can we find a way to love ourselves and the universe enough to make our tomorrows better and our children’s lives more, even though we don’t actually know what that means in each breath?!
Is it ok to work that hard and give that much simply for the goal of knowing there is more?
That’s so hard to understand!
I was recently told by someone I love that I am a Try Hard. It stung. I teared up a bit, in the face of my own ego, my own self-perception, my own fear of trying too hard.
And when I gathered myself by letting the tears fall, I looked this exterior mirror in its beautiful eyes and told them, “I know it sounds dramatic, but if I died tomorrow, I wouldn’t want you to remember anything but me trying too hard. You can’t know why I am here, why I feel the way I do because you can’t have lived the life I did to get here. And I wouldn’t want you to. But you have to know the reason I am here is because I wanted someone in my corner. And the someones in my corner, the people who tried too hard, well, they were the reason I moved forward and on. And if I died tomorrow, I would only want you to remember that I tried too hard, that I was in your corner, loved you too loudly, held you accountable too firmly, cheered you too obnoxiously. You see, this is what I would want you to remember. And if there are moments that bother you, tell me. But if you ask me simply to try less, to be less, to give a little less shits, well, I can’t do that for you. I can’t do that for anybody. And I won’t adjust to you on this one. You will have to adjust to me.”
And we ate our second bowl of an awful meal, both of us uncomfortable for different reasons. My mirror uncomfortable because someone might see and me uncomfortable because I am imagining this is my last chance to express to someone once again, it seems, why I can’t be less. Why I can’t love less, be less, know less than I do. And I existentially, tighten the belt around my waist, so I can feel something besides the pain of knowing this too, is the obvious path of my choices past. These are the remnants of thinking people will know and accept me for this level of engagement. And knowing that the future will only be bright because instead of backing down, I stand tall and proud in the effort I am willing to put in, for something great or nothing at all. Either way. I stand tall. I speak my love. I acknowledge my greatest fear and most beautiful refrain. I repaint the sign in the doorway.
“I am not for everybody.”
Only this time, this one might hurt more than the ones before. And in the process of keeping all parties from revealing their identities… I wish today that if you struggle to accept yourself, if you struggle to know what you stand for, if you wonder what you could have done differently, do differently. Do the thing today for you, for your life, for your future, for the future of anyone who will have the moment to see the effort, not for them, but for knowing that ripples in the pond are always rippling. And if the ripples don’t embrace the one you love the most, the ripples will engage the ones who know didn’t know what ripples were and draw them back to themselves, back to love, back to purpose. And push you towards your core once again.
Today, if you must choose, choose love. Choose effort. Choose the core of who you are quite intimately. Choose the path you know you want and were too timid to admit or live as openly. Most importantly, choose the choice you might even lose. Because either way, in the end, you will have lost. But only one way allows you to live your best truth.
With love,
CC
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